The Apple

The Apple

Open on: The Garden of Eden

Adam and Eve are lolling about naked feeding each other fruit.

Adam
Eve?

Eve
Yes Adam.

Adam
Life is perfect isn’t it?

Eve
It certainly is my one and only. Why do you ask?

Adam
Do you ever feel like there’s something missing?

Eve
Missing? Never. This is paradise. We have plenty of food and water. The weather couldn’t be nicer. Our surroundings are beautiful. All the animals are friendly and best of all we have each other to laugh and share and frolic with. What more is there?

Adam
I guess.

Eve
Is it a child? Is that it? Should we have a child? I don’t really know what that is having been crafted fully formed from a rib but I’m sure they’re interesting.

Adam
No. I don’t think I could spare another rib.

Eve
Is it the frolicking? Is there something I should be doing that I’m not when we frolic?

Adam
Well.

Eve
Tell me. Whatever it is I’ll do. I’m a woman. I can do anything.

Adam
Nah. Forget it.

Eve
I want to know. I live to please you.

Adam
Well. Okay. Remember the other day when you were bathing on the other side of the river and you were bent over really far and I whistled.

Eve
Yes. I remember. I thought it was amazing that you could see my fig from that far away and from that position.

Adam
It wasn’t your fig I was whistling at. It was your apple.

Eve
My apple? But it’s so tart.

Adam
I know for some reason at that moment I wanted tart and then the next thing I knew my snake stood up and I thought,“ I think I’d like to taste Eve’s apple”.

Eve
What is wrong with you Adam Firstman?

Adam
What? Just one bite.

Eve
Why can’t you be satisfied with just my fig?

Adam
I am. I love your fig. I do. It’s just that I started thinking about how nice it would be to stick my snake into your apple too. It's so small and round and red. I’d still love your fig but I’d also love your apple.

Eve
You’d love two things about me?

Adam
Maybe more. It depends on how many holes I find.

Eve
I don’t think God would like it. He’s a bit of a control freak.

Adam
He’d never know.

Eve
I don’t like that.

Adam
Come on. Please.

Eve
Okay.

Adam leans over Eve and they begin to do it doggy style hidden by the ferns. She screams in pain.

Suddenly the voice of God comes in.

God
What the hell are you doing?

They immediately pull apart in shame. God enters.

Adam
It was Eve’s idea?

Eve
It was not.

God
Eve. Why do you lie? I heard your moans of passion.

Eve
Really? Did you hear the part where I screamed like a monkey on a spit?

God
Oh eve really. Such language.

Adam
What’s the big deal anyway God? It’s just frolicking.

God
It is forbidden!

Adam
Why?

God
Because nothing can come of this vile act but pleasure.

Eve
For who?

Adam
I personally don’t have a problem with that.

Eve
Then why don’t I stick something up your apple and see how you like it.

God
I think you’d be surprised but that’s beside the point. I can’t have you two running around having sex and not procreating. I have a planet to fill. I have no choice but to banish both of you from the Garden of Eden forever!

Adam/Eve
What!

God
Go! Get out! Scram! And Eve. Put some clothes on.

Eve
Adam’s naked too.

God
It’s different.

Adam
We can still play snake and apple on the outside though, right?

God
Yes but with a proviso. I’m going to make the act strictly forbidden making it hell for the homosexuals.

Adam
I can live with that.

Eve
Me too.

God
I thought you might. Now get out of my sight. Your nudity makes me nauseous.

He disappears. We can now see their genitalia. They get dressed in comtemporary clothes which they pull from behind the bushes.

Eve
Why did you lie to God and say it was my idea?

Adam
He surprised me. What can I say? Come on. It happened a long time ago. Let’s move on.

Eve
I’ll tell you one thing. It’ll be a long time before your snake gets
anywhere near my apple again that’s for sure.

Adam
Come on baby. Don’t be like that. Please.

Eve
Play with your own.

Adam
Now that’s just sick. Wait a minute. Hmm.

Adam begins to stroke himself as Eve turns away in disgust.

The End