Friday, September 7, 2012

Fruit Blog - POMELLOS

Well kids, this is it, the end of 'Fruit Blog'. The critics said it would never end. The worst of them said it never began. They said that our gang would be trapped in this existential hell forever, condemned to talking about fruit in a sleazy hotel room with a deranged former child star until housekeeping or the police put an end to their depraved shenanigans. But the critics were wrong. 'Fruit Blog' is over or more precisely has finally gone to seed.

It seems appropriate somehow that Fruit Blog would exit this world with an episode dedicated to a member of the citrus family because let's face it, the citrus genus is the everyman of fruit. It can be sweet like an orange when life is good, tart like a grapefruit when it bites back and downright sour like a lemon when it sucks.

Our final episode tackles the pomello, the grapefruits more thick-skinned cousin. Hopes are high as Scott attacks the yellowish orb with a bowie knife. After their year of bad produce will the gang finally get lucky and actually get something they can eat or will it be another in a series of gastric disappointments? It's hard to say but the passed out cast members and general air of dissipation does not bode well for a dignified departure.

Enough said. You'll have to see for yourself. For now it's time to say goodbye to all my loyal fruit flies. Thank you for watering our creation. The seed has been planted. Let's see what grows from it.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Fruit Blog-Sugar Apples

It's been a long and twisting road since Apples 1 and frankly much of it has been sour.  So it's nice to see in our penultimate episode a sweet respite before next episode's shocking conclusion. Out of the  steamy Amazon comes the sugar apple, a hairy, nubbly orb resembling a puppet dinosaur's testicle that tickles the fruit fly's taste buds and finally ends the recent run of bad fruit. Yes, much of  the produce throughout the series has been terrible. Yes, some of it even made people sick. But to go from that to saying that Fruit Blog has been a failure would be a grievous error. Fruit Blog was about more than fruit.  It was about re-birth and the sharing of knowledge, civic activism and drunken fellowship and above all, jeggings. But we jump ahead of ourselves. Tonight is not the end. Just the day before. Enjoy yourself with a sugar apple.  You've earned the calories and soon you will need them.

Fruit Blog-Tiny Bananas

Tiny Bananas is the shortest episode of Fruit Blog to date, consisting of a mere seventy seven seconds of sheer fruit fun. A virtual haiku celebrating that feeling you get when you bite into an unripe banana.  So no matter how busy your day might be fruit flies there is no excuse for not catching up to what's going on in the world of tiny bananas. Press play and let the fruit gang surround you with their special brand of addled glee. It's just that easy.

Fruit Blog - POMEGRANATES 2.

Well it finally happened. The first mis-step in Fruit Blog history. It turns out that the last episode 'Mangos' should actually not have run when it did. It should actually have been the episode I am introducing now but some idiot in scheduling, whose head shall obviously roll, decided to release it before Pomegranates 2. Pomegranates was actually part one of a two part series but because some other idiot in labeling forgot to put a One after Pomegranates on the master tape the hapless scheduler just assumed that it was a stand alone episode and went with 'Mangos.' The only bright spot in this humiliating fiasco is that Mangos was a stand alone episode so at least we will be spared any further embarrassment. So here it is, better late than never, 'Pomegranates 2. '

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Fruit Blog - MANGOS

It's summer school at Fruit Blog as our sweaty denizens lay on the books in a last ditch cram before final exams. Their tome of choice, the superstar of tropical fruits, the sensuous mango. Known as the testicle of God, eating a the mango is like tea bagging a tree and that's why it's this narrator's favourite fruit. Highlights in this episode include a demonstration on the proper way to eat the damned thing by Mr. Dinn and a reappearance by Madame Frantowski's jeggings. They practically steal the show once again with the most selfish tugging and pulling sequence since Sally Rand's sister Ayn did burlesque.

Friday, June 8, 2012


One of the most sensual fruits in the world the pomegranate is definitely for lovers although you wouldn't know it by the brutish behaviour of our friends in this installment of Fruit Blog. Let's just say, the cracks are starting to show. For the first time this season Scott leaves the room, on the arm of the mysterious blonde Amazon Christa. And how do our visibly fraying hostages respond to this brief bit of air? By a brazen move to take over the show led by Darryl 'Eve' Dinn. Caught up in the spirit of rebellion and perched arrogantly in the cat seat he is tripped up by his inability to understand the great God Wiki so he calls the gentle Bellini in to the rescue. However the two of them are undone by their vaunting ambition and unfamiliarity with the mysterious cultivar and Fruit Blog is left dangling once again by a fibrous thread.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Fruit Blog - GREEN PEPPERS 2

In Part Two of our Green Pepper saga, Scott is forced to confront the fallout from his intemperate outburst towards Darryl.  Clinging to fruit facts like a dying man he attempts to hold on to his flagging sanity but is unsuccessful and plunges headlong into a blubbery meltdown. Inessa comes to the rescue but her follicular therapy is to no avail. The tears must have their day.  Finally the rebel Darryl is brought back into the fold and the two fruit flies make up.  But don't think our mad leader has gone soft because mixed amongst the heartfelt sentiment is a message of tough love that is sorely needed in these squishy times. Until next time, Fruitaloo!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Fruit Blog - GREEN PEPPERS 1

Controversy erupts on the Fruit Blog set as Scott and Robin tussle over the scientific classification of the green pepper. Luch mysteriously utters the word 'monocot' and then descends into bitterness .Darryl summons his courage to try to warn the world of the madness growing inside but things take an ugly turn when a 'refreshed' Scott emerges from the washroom with Inessa on his arm and murder in his eyes. This one's a doozy Fruit Flies. Fasten your seat belts. It's the law.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Fruit Blog-Plums

The sexual tension in the room starts to boil over when the humble little plum is revealed to be a juicy stand in for the vagina. The resemblance is so profound that the mysterious Gary is lured from his post in the back to address the controversy. Later Scott doles out some serious information and Paul gets down and dirty. A lot can happen in a minute. You can be hit by a cocoanut and die. Make some reconstituted orange juice that's gone bad and die. Or watch Plums and not die. It's up to you.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Pineapples 2

The information comes at you fast and furious as the fruit flies dig up pineapple facts true and false. Luciano proves himself to be a fount of knowledge about the seedless sweetie and Robin confesses his confusion about the difference between legumes and tubers. Gary gets ready for his closeup, Inessa stays low key after her high intensity workout in Pineapples 1 and Darryl shows the camera his back. Although perhaps not as provocative as PIneapples 1, this installment is perfect for teachers and educators looking to ignite a classroom discussion about the world's most popular bromeliad.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Fruit Blog - Pineapples 1

A truly glorious pineapple, perhaps the first perfect fruit of the entire odyssey, sends our hotel castaways into gastronomic ecstasy. Scott gives us some dirty pit while Inessa rocks out her jeggings. There's even a little hairy boob from Bellini. The temperature is definitely heating up Fruit Flies. Soon it will all be explained.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


The gang is stumped by a mysterious hairy orb until a friendly vendor shines a light on one of the unsung stars of the tropics. That's why In the spirit of Mohammed Bouazizi, the Tunisian fruit vendor whose martyrdom ignited the Arab Spring, we salute the unknown fruit vendor. Who says pubic service is dead? Happy New Year Fruit Flies.